I hope this doesn’t come across as a criticism because I wouldn’t be on here if I didn’t think your writing was amazing. I have loved so many of your pieces. And I have loved watching you evolve over the years. Perhaps your intention with this piece was to keep people hanging, waiting for the “real scoop.” That’s kind of how I felt. You refer to you and Nick divorcing because you didn’t feel aligned. Aligned with what? The world? Yourselves? Again, maybe you’re holding on to that bit of information until you’re ready to share. Or maybe there is no big answer and the readers are supposed to figure that out on their own. You know when you watch a great movie and then the end is just kind of anticlimactic (I just watched one, Perfect Life) and you say out loud “that was it??! That’s how they’re going to end this story???” Thats kind of how I felt reading this. But maybe there are more episodes or chapters to come that will help explain (it also could be that you have explained it and I’ve missed it). Regardless, I’m here for the long haul. Your writing does that. And thats remarkable!
Hey Ronda! Thanks for being a long time reader. It means a lot. I'm sorry this was an anticlimactic read. Always appreciate the feedback. And no I wasn't intending to leave on a cliffhanger or a deep dive on the "real scoop" and why we ultimately decided to separate. I already wrote that essay a few months back :) This was simply what the title said, "where does the good go?" Holding the good of our marriage against intense loneliness and the backdrop of parasocial relationships. As we can see in these online conversations, people have thoughts:)
I absolutely agree with you that this wasn't my strongest ending to an essay. Some end with clean punctuation and others are a bit more raw. This essay was the latter. Definitely plan on more episodes to come. Hopefully the next one wont be so oozy.
Thanks for your response Chelsea. I’m thinking maybe my own comprehension wasn’t deep enough to understand the intent of the essay. Using the “real scoop” was a little insensitive on my part. I know your divorce, and your marriage, deserves more than just “the scoop.” I’ve read everything you have written but I may have to reread your previous post about the marriage. I’ve slept since then so may have missed it.
I’m glad you have good from your marriage and I have no doubt it will all go out in positive ways in the universe by both you and Nick. Looking forward to your next read.
As a divorced woman who didn’t always feel I had “enough” of a reason to leave… Chelsea’s story is significant purely because of its ambiguity. Most people who leave for the reasons she did, never talk about it because the world will say “but WHY??” and it’s a hard pill to swallow that often there isn’t one that will make sense to anyone else- even to the woman herself.
And that’s far more common than we realize because of the expectation that one shouldn’t share until there is a clear through line and a legible story.
Those of us who were raised in Mormonism, may have the lingering the perspective that if a person is married, the default should always be to remain married unless there is a better option or harm/betrayal is present.
We are used to reading neat stories that fit into a 3 part series, which allow us to go back into our lives and file the Homers away the way we would a 2 hour coffee chat with a newly separated acquaintance. Tea to spill at book club.
Those stories rarely make a mark on the psyche or require us to go inward- they are entertainment. They focus on the literal characters in the story and a life apart from ours. And in my experience with divorce and a dozen friends actively going through it, Chelsea’s experience is more common than the ones involving harm, betrayal, or even lack of basic friendship and compatibility of the partners. These divorces feel excruciating *because* it feels both completely necessary and totally unnecessary, simultaneously.
The best art is supposed to linger long after you stop reading- it leaves questions that take us out of the literal “what happened” and into “why do I feel so uncomfortable not knowing what happened? In what ways have I gone numb to the parts of me that have yearned for more, purely because they feel too scary and messy and unanswerable to allow into my awareness? What about my own relationships would I have permission to avoid if her answer were tidy?”
I didn’t tell the world I was queer for a long time after my divorce, because they would immediately file away my entire experience in marriage as “oh. That’s why.” When my queerness had nothing to do with my decision to divorce. It felt like I was betraying entire parts of my story- suffering, confusion, the hard won battle to trust myself- to have it all come down to one “reason.”
The real story of divorce is what a woman learns about herself in the process, and what gives her the courage to even start it.
Chelsea’s work challenges us to ask ourselves why we are so uncomfortable sitting in uncertainty. As she said in the essay- it’s not an autobiography for the public. It’s an alive, active processing of her current state against which the audience can feel seen in their own unresolved feelings. The fact there’s no resolution that feels satisfying is a reflection of the exact experience she’s going through- which is what great art is supposed to do.
If you feel dissatisfied with the lack of answers in an essay, imagine how she feels in her actual life. But the amount of bravery it takes to show up without a clickbait title promising to spill the tea, is rare and inspiring.
It's also fucking pretentious, Kate. Art? Bullshit. The ambiguity IS the clickbait in this scenario. No offense, Chelsea, but I've been divorced for 3+ years without any answers as to why I was handed the massive injustice of forced separation from my own children, with no possibility of reconciliation, only to find out that my ex has been hiding a secret from me for 9+ years, a few weeks ago. I seeth with envy over the amicable separation and relationship you have with Nick while sincerely believimg that you two are good people, finding your own way. It enrages me to think about my lost time with my children and the manipulation I have suffered at the hands of my ex-wife and her family all to cover up abuse she suffered in her past which she NEVER disclosed to me. I was lost in trying to find answers, like you, for YEARS all under the guise and cover that everything was fine between my children, their mother, and me. It was all a lie. I understand it is unfair of me to project my own problems onto you but writing like this makes me feel like you don't understand how good you have it. For this reason, I'll be leaving now. I wish you the best of luck with the rest of your subscribers in navigating your divorce.
I'm so sorry, Toby. I understand you're angry and rightfully so considering the last three years. I'm sorry you've been left in the dark without answers at such a high cost. Sad to see you go.
Thank you, Chelsea. It's been really difficult knowing that the person I have 3 children with isn't who I thought they were at all. 9 years and nothing but lies. I'm fighting for custody of my children now and I hope in time I can return to your circle of friendship. Right now though, I don't have time or the energy to do anything else because I have been betrayed, gaslit, lied to, and told to work on myself when there's nothing I'd rather do than burn the whole world down and take my kids somewhere safe. Maybe our paths will cross again outside of social media. Until then, I wish you the best.
Writing is art, Toby. You know that better than most. Your frustration at not being understood in your perspective of your own story, is exactly the point I was making. Any writer should be able to share and express without demands for clarity.
That's true, Kate. But it doesn't make this post Shakespeare. Sorry to disagree. I respect your perspective and hope you're well. As much as I would like to divulge all the dirt on my ex wife and her family, I have to consider my kids. Once I can guarantee that I'll have them in my life and get a chance to rebuild my life, maybe I'll feel more empowered to share my experience. It's unbelievable. It's infuriating. All in the name of Jesus, I have become collateral for another person's mistakes.
I agree with you on some of your points. I made it clear in my question that perhaps that’s the point of her post, for readers to figure it out, or that there’s not just one answer I think Chelsea is brave and bold and I applaud her for that.
I’m older than Chelsea and most of her friends so I’ve had many family and friends go through divorce at different stages of their marriage. This probably is more common than I realized and I’m open to learning about that. I certainly don’t think anyone should stay in a marriage unless it includes harm and betrayal.
Although I also spent 50 years in Mormonism I don’t think that’s what I’m expecting. I was always very nuanced and had a less than “normal” or average Mormon marriage and family life.
I appreciate your insight and explanation of Chelsea’s writing as an art but please don’t assume that your explanations reflect what I was asking or feeling. My questions about wanting more information dont necessarily equate to me being uncomfortable or numb. Again, I’m an older post Mormon, retired public servant, and widow who lost my husband to brain cancer and now living with those changes and losses. I’ve followed Chelsea since her story in LDS Living (I think that’s what it was) and Mormon Stories. Some of your possible explanations did resonate with me. I would just ask that as another reader (and sounds like a fellow writer) you not assume what someone, or anyone for that matter, is feeling or thinking by asking a question and sharing thoughts. I mean you’re kind of doing the same to me as what you’re interpreting of me in this scenario, if that makes sense. I’m not dissatisfied with her writing (I’ve read everything she has written and this has been my first comment/question). I’m a fan of Chelsea and like I said, I’m not going anywhere.
Hi Ronda, your comment was totally valid and I understand where you’re coming from. I should have said I was using your comment as a jump off point to talk to the people who are constantly expecting divorced people to have a tidy story, and find it to be good fodder for speculation on other people’s personal lives, rather than just taking what the person is saying at face value.
I appreciate your thoughtful response and I apologize if you felt like collateral damage in my message to the general public 😅
Oooof, that Olivia Howell quote was a gut punch. It’s too easy to want to measure our experiences by those of our peer’s. I’m so glad you have people reminding you that you are easy to love. It’s not only easy, but a delight.
I love and adore both you and Nick. You built something so beautiful with the foundation you were given, and now you’re having the courage to build something even more honest and true to who you both are becoming. I’m so grateful you’re sharing this part of the journey. Watching you move through it with such integrity, grace, courage, tenderness, and love gives me a place to put my own feet, too. There is so much beauty in the way you are letting truth lead without abandoning love.
Thanks for this Chelsea. Very familiar to my current experience and always lovely to know my wrestle is not isolated to just me.
My favorite piece yet ❤️
I hope this doesn’t come across as a criticism because I wouldn’t be on here if I didn’t think your writing was amazing. I have loved so many of your pieces. And I have loved watching you evolve over the years. Perhaps your intention with this piece was to keep people hanging, waiting for the “real scoop.” That’s kind of how I felt. You refer to you and Nick divorcing because you didn’t feel aligned. Aligned with what? The world? Yourselves? Again, maybe you’re holding on to that bit of information until you’re ready to share. Or maybe there is no big answer and the readers are supposed to figure that out on their own. You know when you watch a great movie and then the end is just kind of anticlimactic (I just watched one, Perfect Life) and you say out loud “that was it??! That’s how they’re going to end this story???” Thats kind of how I felt reading this. But maybe there are more episodes or chapters to come that will help explain (it also could be that you have explained it and I’ve missed it). Regardless, I’m here for the long haul. Your writing does that. And thats remarkable!
Hey Ronda! Thanks for being a long time reader. It means a lot. I'm sorry this was an anticlimactic read. Always appreciate the feedback. And no I wasn't intending to leave on a cliffhanger or a deep dive on the "real scoop" and why we ultimately decided to separate. I already wrote that essay a few months back :) This was simply what the title said, "where does the good go?" Holding the good of our marriage against intense loneliness and the backdrop of parasocial relationships. As we can see in these online conversations, people have thoughts:)
I absolutely agree with you that this wasn't my strongest ending to an essay. Some end with clean punctuation and others are a bit more raw. This essay was the latter. Definitely plan on more episodes to come. Hopefully the next one wont be so oozy.
Thanks for your response Chelsea. I’m thinking maybe my own comprehension wasn’t deep enough to understand the intent of the essay. Using the “real scoop” was a little insensitive on my part. I know your divorce, and your marriage, deserves more than just “the scoop.” I’ve read everything you have written but I may have to reread your previous post about the marriage. I’ve slept since then so may have missed it.
I’m glad you have good from your marriage and I have no doubt it will all go out in positive ways in the universe by both you and Nick. Looking forward to your next read.
As a divorced woman who didn’t always feel I had “enough” of a reason to leave… Chelsea’s story is significant purely because of its ambiguity. Most people who leave for the reasons she did, never talk about it because the world will say “but WHY??” and it’s a hard pill to swallow that often there isn’t one that will make sense to anyone else- even to the woman herself.
And that’s far more common than we realize because of the expectation that one shouldn’t share until there is a clear through line and a legible story.
Those of us who were raised in Mormonism, may have the lingering the perspective that if a person is married, the default should always be to remain married unless there is a better option or harm/betrayal is present.
We are used to reading neat stories that fit into a 3 part series, which allow us to go back into our lives and file the Homers away the way we would a 2 hour coffee chat with a newly separated acquaintance. Tea to spill at book club.
Those stories rarely make a mark on the psyche or require us to go inward- they are entertainment. They focus on the literal characters in the story and a life apart from ours. And in my experience with divorce and a dozen friends actively going through it, Chelsea’s experience is more common than the ones involving harm, betrayal, or even lack of basic friendship and compatibility of the partners. These divorces feel excruciating *because* it feels both completely necessary and totally unnecessary, simultaneously.
The best art is supposed to linger long after you stop reading- it leaves questions that take us out of the literal “what happened” and into “why do I feel so uncomfortable not knowing what happened? In what ways have I gone numb to the parts of me that have yearned for more, purely because they feel too scary and messy and unanswerable to allow into my awareness? What about my own relationships would I have permission to avoid if her answer were tidy?”
I didn’t tell the world I was queer for a long time after my divorce, because they would immediately file away my entire experience in marriage as “oh. That’s why.” When my queerness had nothing to do with my decision to divorce. It felt like I was betraying entire parts of my story- suffering, confusion, the hard won battle to trust myself- to have it all come down to one “reason.”
The real story of divorce is what a woman learns about herself in the process, and what gives her the courage to even start it.
Chelsea’s work challenges us to ask ourselves why we are so uncomfortable sitting in uncertainty. As she said in the essay- it’s not an autobiography for the public. It’s an alive, active processing of her current state against which the audience can feel seen in their own unresolved feelings. The fact there’s no resolution that feels satisfying is a reflection of the exact experience she’s going through- which is what great art is supposed to do.
If you feel dissatisfied with the lack of answers in an essay, imagine how she feels in her actual life. But the amount of bravery it takes to show up without a clickbait title promising to spill the tea, is rare and inspiring.
It's also fucking pretentious, Kate. Art? Bullshit. The ambiguity IS the clickbait in this scenario. No offense, Chelsea, but I've been divorced for 3+ years without any answers as to why I was handed the massive injustice of forced separation from my own children, with no possibility of reconciliation, only to find out that my ex has been hiding a secret from me for 9+ years, a few weeks ago. I seeth with envy over the amicable separation and relationship you have with Nick while sincerely believimg that you two are good people, finding your own way. It enrages me to think about my lost time with my children and the manipulation I have suffered at the hands of my ex-wife and her family all to cover up abuse she suffered in her past which she NEVER disclosed to me. I was lost in trying to find answers, like you, for YEARS all under the guise and cover that everything was fine between my children, their mother, and me. It was all a lie. I understand it is unfair of me to project my own problems onto you but writing like this makes me feel like you don't understand how good you have it. For this reason, I'll be leaving now. I wish you the best of luck with the rest of your subscribers in navigating your divorce.
I'm so sorry, Toby. I understand you're angry and rightfully so considering the last three years. I'm sorry you've been left in the dark without answers at such a high cost. Sad to see you go.
Thank you, Chelsea. It's been really difficult knowing that the person I have 3 children with isn't who I thought they were at all. 9 years and nothing but lies. I'm fighting for custody of my children now and I hope in time I can return to your circle of friendship. Right now though, I don't have time or the energy to do anything else because I have been betrayed, gaslit, lied to, and told to work on myself when there's nothing I'd rather do than burn the whole world down and take my kids somewhere safe. Maybe our paths will cross again outside of social media. Until then, I wish you the best.
Writing is art, Toby. You know that better than most. Your frustration at not being understood in your perspective of your own story, is exactly the point I was making. Any writer should be able to share and express without demands for clarity.
That's true, Kate. But it doesn't make this post Shakespeare. Sorry to disagree. I respect your perspective and hope you're well. As much as I would like to divulge all the dirt on my ex wife and her family, I have to consider my kids. Once I can guarantee that I'll have them in my life and get a chance to rebuild my life, maybe I'll feel more empowered to share my experience. It's unbelievable. It's infuriating. All in the name of Jesus, I have become collateral for another person's mistakes.
I agree with you on some of your points. I made it clear in my question that perhaps that’s the point of her post, for readers to figure it out, or that there’s not just one answer I think Chelsea is brave and bold and I applaud her for that.
I’m older than Chelsea and most of her friends so I’ve had many family and friends go through divorce at different stages of their marriage. This probably is more common than I realized and I’m open to learning about that. I certainly don’t think anyone should stay in a marriage unless it includes harm and betrayal.
Although I also spent 50 years in Mormonism I don’t think that’s what I’m expecting. I was always very nuanced and had a less than “normal” or average Mormon marriage and family life.
I appreciate your insight and explanation of Chelsea’s writing as an art but please don’t assume that your explanations reflect what I was asking or feeling. My questions about wanting more information dont necessarily equate to me being uncomfortable or numb. Again, I’m an older post Mormon, retired public servant, and widow who lost my husband to brain cancer and now living with those changes and losses. I’ve followed Chelsea since her story in LDS Living (I think that’s what it was) and Mormon Stories. Some of your possible explanations did resonate with me. I would just ask that as another reader (and sounds like a fellow writer) you not assume what someone, or anyone for that matter, is feeling or thinking by asking a question and sharing thoughts. I mean you’re kind of doing the same to me as what you’re interpreting of me in this scenario, if that makes sense. I’m not dissatisfied with her writing (I’ve read everything she has written and this has been my first comment/question). I’m a fan of Chelsea and like I said, I’m not going anywhere.
Hi Ronda, your comment was totally valid and I understand where you’re coming from. I should have said I was using your comment as a jump off point to talk to the people who are constantly expecting divorced people to have a tidy story, and find it to be good fodder for speculation on other people’s personal lives, rather than just taking what the person is saying at face value.
I appreciate your thoughtful response and I apologize if you felt like collateral damage in my message to the general public 😅
No worries. It’s all good. I understand. Tidy stories are rare.
Oooof, that Olivia Howell quote was a gut punch. It’s too easy to want to measure our experiences by those of our peer’s. I’m so glad you have people reminding you that you are easy to love. It’s not only easy, but a delight.
I love and adore both you and Nick. You built something so beautiful with the foundation you were given, and now you’re having the courage to build something even more honest and true to who you both are becoming. I’m so grateful you’re sharing this part of the journey. Watching you move through it with such integrity, grace, courage, tenderness, and love gives me a place to put my own feet, too. There is so much beauty in the way you are letting truth lead without abandoning love.
❤️❤️